I have to remember that there is a goal to focus on. There are people I want to prove to that I did it. I did it without their help and with them telling me I can't in my face. I want to prove that just because there are a million voices telling you no you have to be the one to scream yes. The willpower you need to find to strive towards whatever goal your looking for starts and ends with you and only you. I think that's what I'm finally learning. I can't let the others around me influence the way I eat, the decisions I make or what I do. I do what I want to do, eat what I should eat and what I know I "want to eat" and decide how to live my life. Looking back I notice a lot of the time I didn't do a lot of things for me, I went along with what other people wanted and what they thought would be fun for me to do. Well now I see that all of it is what they wanted to do. I don't know when I became so nice as to wanting to please everyone around me that I forgot to care for myself, but it happened.
Lately, I 've been able to remember that I'm the one that matters, not everyone else. I make my choices for me because quite frankly if I want to sit at home all day and not do a damn thing I should be able to sit at home all day and not do a thing. People would always try and get me to go out or to come over, but I need to focus on health and working out, health and working out, health and working out. Those are my focuses, those two things are going to make me better, make me happier, make me well me. It isn't about having the best body in the world, it's about having my best body and the one that gets me to be as healthy as I possibly can. That's all I truly want is to look at myself and know that I am healthy and that I am at a good weight. A lot needs to happen for me to get where I need to be but I'm finally letting go of negativity and realizing this is for me and I need to this for me and be happy for me.
It's my turn to live my life and the people who don't agree with the changes I'm making or the people who feel the need to tell me "oh good luck," in a snotty tone of voice, they can all genuinely go to hell. I don't have time to believe the shit you say. You are the reason so many people lose sight of themselves, you are the reason people give up. The reason people don't give up is because they have supporters saying "remember your goal" and "remember why you started in the first place." Those are the people I need to keep in my life, the go-getters and the ones who love me and keep me pushing towards my goal. I can't wait to prove to people that I could do it. I'm going to have to be patient but when that time comes it will be the greatest day to show everyone I can do it, and I did do it.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Let it go
I find myself getting happier everyday. I know that by ridding all of these bad toxins out of my life and out of my body I will be able to be a happier person, not only with myself but with others. The hardest thing about finding out who you really are is letting go of who you thought you were. You find some things aren't as important as they might have seemed and that some things you never thought you would use, you use every day. Growing up is hard and living in a world where people see you caught in between this adulthood and teenage stage is harder. People will continually look down on you and continually believe you can't do things and I think that's when you really need to look at yourself and realize you can do whatever it is you want to set your mind to.
Just recently I've set my mind to wanting to become a better person. I've realized I've done a lot of things wrong, but also a lot of things right. There's many things I might have done differently if I knew who I'd be today but then again I wouldn't know I was gonna be this way without all the mistakes I've made. I'm glad I have made mistakes and was able to learn from them. I swear I did some of the dumbest things when I was in High School and I sometimes wonder how I came out without a scratch. You're meant to have fun and make mistakes you're meant to find the wrong guys before you find the right one. There's not really any specific guide to follow to find the person you want to be you have to find you need to make your own.
Make your own rules and find that sometimes you have might even have to break those to come out on top and to come out being the best person you can be. I am excited that I've started this journey of finding a better mental and physical me because I know once I get to where I want to be nothing will stop me from becoming an even better me and as cliche as that might all sound I know it's true. I've never wanted to believe in something more. I always thought I believed in love more than anything in this world. I thought love change anything, but now I know if you truly want something to change in your life it has to start with you. Not you and someone else because you can't rely on someone else to change the way you want to be. If you want to change you will find a will and a way.
I know this journey is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done and I know that I will want to quit and give up but I can't. I can't let myself down and it's all about me. For the next, well however long it takes, I am going to be 110% committed to myself because I need to be. I need to show people that I care for my body and my well-being and then maybe I can care for someone else's too. I can't wait to see what happens when all this is said and done but I'll be sure to hopefully talk about it here. Even though all of these will be very random.
Just recently I've set my mind to wanting to become a better person. I've realized I've done a lot of things wrong, but also a lot of things right. There's many things I might have done differently if I knew who I'd be today but then again I wouldn't know I was gonna be this way without all the mistakes I've made. I'm glad I have made mistakes and was able to learn from them. I swear I did some of the dumbest things when I was in High School and I sometimes wonder how I came out without a scratch. You're meant to have fun and make mistakes you're meant to find the wrong guys before you find the right one. There's not really any specific guide to follow to find the person you want to be you have to find you need to make your own.
Make your own rules and find that sometimes you have might even have to break those to come out on top and to come out being the best person you can be. I am excited that I've started this journey of finding a better mental and physical me because I know once I get to where I want to be nothing will stop me from becoming an even better me and as cliche as that might all sound I know it's true. I've never wanted to believe in something more. I always thought I believed in love more than anything in this world. I thought love change anything, but now I know if you truly want something to change in your life it has to start with you. Not you and someone else because you can't rely on someone else to change the way you want to be. If you want to change you will find a will and a way.
I know this journey is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done and I know that I will want to quit and give up but I can't. I can't let myself down and it's all about me. For the next, well however long it takes, I am going to be 110% committed to myself because I need to be. I need to show people that I care for my body and my well-being and then maybe I can care for someone else's too. I can't wait to see what happens when all this is said and done but I'll be sure to hopefully talk about it here. Even though all of these will be very random.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Little About Me
I should probably have started with this post, but hey I mean no one will see this until January so what does it really matter. I am 23 years old or at least I will be by the time someone is reading this. I am going to school to be a high school business and technology teacher and eventually want to be an AD. I honestly don't know who will even read this but I just hope it actually helps me, I have to try something new.
Let's see I played basketball for about 8 years and played Varsity all 4 years of high school, therefore, I was fairly thin, I wasn't the skinniest girl in the world by any means but if I would have ate better I probably could have been. I mean I was eating like a hoss. I didn't care though because that night I would go bust my ass in basketball practice for three hours or at a game. Food didn't really seem to matter since I was working my ass off so much.
However, you know how they say "it'll catch up to you" well EVERYONE was right. I mean even only three months after I had finished basketball my prom dress barely zipped up. I didn't really think anything of it because well I wasn't having to suck it in all night, just to zip up the zipper, but still. I didn't notice when my favorite pair of jeans didn't fit anymore, I didn't notice when I was wearing running shorts all the time in the summer and no longer wearing jean shorts, I didn't notice when I wore sweatpants mostly through the winter. I did notice when I broke up with my boyfriend of six months and couldn't look cute to go out with my friends, but that didn't stop me from drinking and that didn't stop me from eating and refusing to work out. I didn't think I had a problem, when clearly I should have started then. I was so wrapped up in being single for the first time in a long time after bouncing from guy to guy it was finally just Shelby. I should have foreseen I would end up where I am now, but I didn't. I remember I was kind of a chubbier kid, like in middle school at least but evened out as I went into high school. It was crazy how much my face changed in that time and how it's also changed now; looking back I can't even really tell who the girl is I'm looking at because I know I've lost myself. Being 23 and not exactly being where I thought I was going to be at this point because I mean I'm still in school after changing my major, I'm not anywhere close to being married, nor do I really want to be like I thought I would.
I have found a lot of stuff changes as you get older some things you don't really think about as a teenager. I mean, you lose friends you thought would always be there, you gain new ones who you probably never thought you would even talk to and you lose loves you thought you were gonna spend your life. People change. I find myself changing everyday because I look back on half of the things I used to do and think, "Why the hell did I do that?" Now, don't get me wrong I don't regret anything I ever did because well even at 23 I have had one HELL of a life, some people might call it stupidity but I just think of them as lessons learned with some good ass memories. I wouldn't change a thing about my past but it's definitely helping me to shape my future and that's exactly what I plan to change, my future. I can't take back who I was nor would I ever want to.
I want to be the Shelby I was then mixed with a new spice of the Shelby I'm striving to be, if that makes since? :)
Let's see I played basketball for about 8 years and played Varsity all 4 years of high school, therefore, I was fairly thin, I wasn't the skinniest girl in the world by any means but if I would have ate better I probably could have been. I mean I was eating like a hoss. I didn't care though because that night I would go bust my ass in basketball practice for three hours or at a game. Food didn't really seem to matter since I was working my ass off so much.
However, you know how they say "it'll catch up to you" well EVERYONE was right. I mean even only three months after I had finished basketball my prom dress barely zipped up. I didn't really think anything of it because well I wasn't having to suck it in all night, just to zip up the zipper, but still. I didn't notice when my favorite pair of jeans didn't fit anymore, I didn't notice when I was wearing running shorts all the time in the summer and no longer wearing jean shorts, I didn't notice when I wore sweatpants mostly through the winter. I did notice when I broke up with my boyfriend of six months and couldn't look cute to go out with my friends, but that didn't stop me from drinking and that didn't stop me from eating and refusing to work out. I didn't think I had a problem, when clearly I should have started then. I was so wrapped up in being single for the first time in a long time after bouncing from guy to guy it was finally just Shelby. I should have foreseen I would end up where I am now, but I didn't. I remember I was kind of a chubbier kid, like in middle school at least but evened out as I went into high school. It was crazy how much my face changed in that time and how it's also changed now; looking back I can't even really tell who the girl is I'm looking at because I know I've lost myself. Being 23 and not exactly being where I thought I was going to be at this point because I mean I'm still in school after changing my major, I'm not anywhere close to being married, nor do I really want to be like I thought I would.
I have found a lot of stuff changes as you get older some things you don't really think about as a teenager. I mean, you lose friends you thought would always be there, you gain new ones who you probably never thought you would even talk to and you lose loves you thought you were gonna spend your life. People change. I find myself changing everyday because I look back on half of the things I used to do and think, "Why the hell did I do that?" Now, don't get me wrong I don't regret anything I ever did because well even at 23 I have had one HELL of a life, some people might call it stupidity but I just think of them as lessons learned with some good ass memories. I wouldn't change a thing about my past but it's definitely helping me to shape my future and that's exactly what I plan to change, my future. I can't take back who I was nor would I ever want to.
I want to be the Shelby I was then mixed with a new spice of the Shelby I'm striving to be, if that makes since? :)
The Beginning
First of all, let me just say I have never blogged before in my life and so if I ramble about random things in a lot of these I'm sorry, but that's how I talk too, I'm a rambler. Lately, I've been feeling like I need to embark on a new journey for myself. Not just to change how I feel about myself but change the way I think about life. I've had my ups and downs and there's been some times I'm not to proud of. However, what I've realized bothers me the most is the way I look at myself. I used to be so happy and carefree; I never thought twice about what I might be doing to myself and the others around me. I had a boyfriend in high school who I thought was the best thing since sliced bread, he wasn't. We fought all the time had a CRAZY on and off again relationship that wasn't healthy to either of us or anyone around us. We tried to be friends, well that just doesn't work. I did this dumb relationship for two years and until about a week ago I seriously thought he was going to be the man I was going to marry. I don't know why I always thought it, but I did and I'm glad I have finally realized that is not the type of person I want to be with because I would never want anyone else to have to go through what I did.
Then it came time to go to college and I started dating someone who wasn't exactly the person most people would picture me to be with well because I was kind of a bitch and still kind of am I've just learned to get to know people before I judge them. Nick showed me how to appreciate smaller things, but during that process I got larger. I didn't notice because I was happy but then one I day I just changed my mind. Nick was a great guy I just knew I wasn't the right girl for him. We ended things and I went into a deep self-hatred because of the way my body looked and how I let it get that far. There were no excuses but I didn't do anything about it. I waited almost two full years as a matter of fact because we broke up in 2011 and here I am only starting to "find myself" towards the end of 2013; I mean if that's what you call what I'm doing. I thought I had it all figured out when I went to school at Missouri State, I was getting away I was going to make a new name for myself. I never really did find my way into the customs of Springfield and found that I actually didn't really want to be there because I missed my family and it just didn't fit me.
I need a small town Saturday night, corny I know, but seriously I missed being home and being able to drive only five minutes to get the hell out of town and find myself under the stars and on a gravel road. I kept telling myself work out, work out, work out because I know as well as A LOT of people knew I was only going to be completely happy when I get comfortable in my own skin. I started working out and eating right in Nov of 2012 and lost about 30-40 lbs by June of 2013, so I mean not to shabby if you ask me. Then in July I hurt my back and everything was kind of put on hold and by hold I mean I'm going home to my parents and going to sit on my ass and drink some beer because I don't really care about anything. I was in this funk of doing absolutely nothing with my life until now, today is Nov. 7, 2013, however, this blog won't be released until Jan. 1 of 2014 because well I don't really know what I'm doing but I hope this helps me get my frustration out in some sort of way it will help me to stay on track with becoming the person I want to be and the person I'm supposed to be in order to be happy with myself.
I mean don't get me wrong I am VERY bubbly person and can make just damn near about anyone laugh and I don't find myself unattractive by any means, as a matter of fact I can be pretty damn attractive even on the days I don't wear any make-up. But that doesn't mean I don't want to change my body and that is what my journey is about changing my body to what I want it to be, not for anyone else, but for me and to prove to everyone that I can do it, that I can change myself inside and out for the better because even though I've been "by myself" for more than a year that doesn't necessarily mean I've "found myself."
Then it came time to go to college and I started dating someone who wasn't exactly the person most people would picture me to be with well because I was kind of a bitch and still kind of am I've just learned to get to know people before I judge them. Nick showed me how to appreciate smaller things, but during that process I got larger. I didn't notice because I was happy but then one I day I just changed my mind. Nick was a great guy I just knew I wasn't the right girl for him. We ended things and I went into a deep self-hatred because of the way my body looked and how I let it get that far. There were no excuses but I didn't do anything about it. I waited almost two full years as a matter of fact because we broke up in 2011 and here I am only starting to "find myself" towards the end of 2013; I mean if that's what you call what I'm doing. I thought I had it all figured out when I went to school at Missouri State, I was getting away I was going to make a new name for myself. I never really did find my way into the customs of Springfield and found that I actually didn't really want to be there because I missed my family and it just didn't fit me.
I need a small town Saturday night, corny I know, but seriously I missed being home and being able to drive only five minutes to get the hell out of town and find myself under the stars and on a gravel road. I kept telling myself work out, work out, work out because I know as well as A LOT of people knew I was only going to be completely happy when I get comfortable in my own skin. I started working out and eating right in Nov of 2012 and lost about 30-40 lbs by June of 2013, so I mean not to shabby if you ask me. Then in July I hurt my back and everything was kind of put on hold and by hold I mean I'm going home to my parents and going to sit on my ass and drink some beer because I don't really care about anything. I was in this funk of doing absolutely nothing with my life until now, today is Nov. 7, 2013, however, this blog won't be released until Jan. 1 of 2014 because well I don't really know what I'm doing but I hope this helps me get my frustration out in some sort of way it will help me to stay on track with becoming the person I want to be and the person I'm supposed to be in order to be happy with myself.
I mean don't get me wrong I am VERY bubbly person and can make just damn near about anyone laugh and I don't find myself unattractive by any means, as a matter of fact I can be pretty damn attractive even on the days I don't wear any make-up. But that doesn't mean I don't want to change my body and that is what my journey is about changing my body to what I want it to be, not for anyone else, but for me and to prove to everyone that I can do it, that I can change myself inside and out for the better because even though I've been "by myself" for more than a year that doesn't necessarily mean I've "found myself."
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