The Beginning

First of all, let me just say I have never blogged before in my life and so if I ramble about random things in a lot of these I'm sorry, but that's how I talk too, I'm a rambler. Lately, I've been feeling like I need to embark on a new journey for myself. Not just to change how I feel about myself but change the way I think about life. I've had my ups and downs and there's been some times I'm not to proud of. However, what I've realized bothers me the most is the way I look at myself. I used to be so happy and carefree; I never thought twice about what I might be doing to myself and the others around me. I had a boyfriend in high school who I thought was the best thing since sliced bread, he wasn't. We fought all the time had a CRAZY on and off again relationship that wasn't healthy to either of us or anyone around us. We tried to be friends, well that just doesn't work. I did this dumb relationship for two years and until about a week ago I seriously thought he was going to be the man I was going to marry. I don't know why I always thought it, but I did and I'm glad I have finally realized that is not the type of person I want to be with because I would never want anyone else to have to go through what I did. 
       Then it came time to go to college and I started dating someone who wasn't exactly the person most people would picture me to be with well because I was kind of a bitch and still kind of am I've just learned to get to know people before I judge them. Nick showed me how to appreciate smaller things, but during that process I got larger. I didn't notice because I was happy but then one I day I just changed my mind. Nick was a great guy I just knew I wasn't the right girl for him. We ended things and I went into a deep self-hatred because of the way my body looked and how I let it get that far. There were no excuses but I didn't do anything about it. I waited almost two full years as a matter of fact because we broke up in 2011 and here I am only starting to "find myself" towards the end of 2013; I mean if that's what you call what I'm doing. I thought I had it all figured out when I went to school at Missouri State, I was getting away I was going to make a new name for myself. I never really did find my way into the customs of Springfield and found that I actually didn't really want to be there because I missed my family and it just didn't fit me. 
     I need a small town Saturday night, corny I know, but seriously I missed being home and being able to drive only five minutes to get the hell out of town and find myself under the stars and on a gravel road. I kept telling myself work out, work out, work out because I know as well as A LOT of people knew I was only going to be completely happy when I get comfortable in my own skin. I started working out and eating right in Nov of 2012 and lost about 30-40 lbs by June of 2013, so I mean not to shabby if you ask me. Then in July I hurt my back and everything was kind of put on hold and by hold I mean I'm going home to my parents and going to sit on my ass and drink some beer because I don't really care about anything. I was in this funk of doing absolutely nothing with my life until now, today is Nov. 7, 2013, however, this blog won't be released until Jan. 1 of 2014 because well I don't really know what I'm doing but I hope this helps me get my frustration out in some sort of way it will help me to stay on track with becoming the person I want to be and the person I'm supposed to be in order to be happy with myself. 
      I mean don't get me wrong I am VERY bubbly person and can make just damn near about anyone laugh and I don't find myself unattractive by any means, as a matter of fact I can be pretty damn attractive even on the days I don't wear any make-up. But that doesn't mean I don't want to change my body and that is what my journey is about changing my body to what I want it to be, not for anyone else, but for me and to prove to everyone that I can do it, that I can change myself inside and out for the better because even though I've been "by myself" for more than a year that doesn't necessarily mean I've "found myself."